On the distance

Beyond the sunset on the west

Tag: literature

El viejo del tiempo

The church lay in ruins. Its roof had caved with the weight of seasons, and the wind that once carried bells now passed unhindered through the open vault. Its walls leaned like old men who had lost the strength to stand. Vines crawled through what had been the sacristy. The altar stone lay split in two, its fracture lined with dust. Zanates flew where incense once rose, cutting dark arcs through the roofless nave and nesting where the saints once stood.

The priest stood there, a man returned to the bones of his youth. He had grown up here, barefoot among the nopales, baptized at the same font where now scorpions nested. He had knelt here and watched candles gutter against the stone. He touched the wall, and the dust clung to his fingers. He pressed them to his lips, tasting earth, lime, ash. He walked across the nave where the tiles were broken, and weeds had grown between them.

A voice rose from the shadowed apse.
“You’ve come back.”

The priest turned. An old man sat on the broken step, bent and white-haired, his hands resting as if carved from the stone itself. His eyes caught the light faintly, pale, unhurried.

“This was my church,” the priest said, his voice tinged with nostalgia.

“It was never only yours. It was rock before it was raised, and it will be rock when the last name of it is forgotten,” said the old man.

The priest’s throat worked, but no words came.

“You see loss, but loss is only a name men give to the turning of things,” the old man said, shifting his wooden cane in his hands.

“And what about faith?” challenged the priest.

The old man looked at him with a calm that pressed like desert heat. “Faith is a season. You tend it and it blooms, and its people harvest its comfort, its songs. It was real while it was sung. Then it dries and the stalks rattle in the wind. Do you call the wind false because it scatters the husks?”

“Time moves,” he continued. “Nothing is hidden from it, but odes do not punish. You, I, the stones, the wind: these are witnesses, not executioners. And yet… even in the darkest hours, when there was nothing, something grew, somewhere.”

The priest lowered his gaze. He whispered, “But if all passes, what remains?”

“The turning itself. The stone becomes dust, the dust becomes soil, the soil feeds the root. Destruction is the other face of birth. You call it ruin, but I call it return,” replied the old man calmly.

“Do not mourn what ends. Even your grief will one day be gathered back. All is held in the big scheme of things; all is remembered.”

The priest’s throat tightened. “It does make me feel small.”

“Good. It is always right to feel the smallness. From it, you can see more, the stars, the mountains, the heat in your hands, the cool in the shade. You see what men call miracles, but it is only the passing of days, of seasons, of choice.”

The priest paused. “So… we are free.”

“Yes,” said the old man. “Free to stumble, to love, to fail, to rise. The wind does not ask; the river does not choose. And yet they carve valleys and bring rain. You, too, will leave your mark as they do.”

The priest felt the weight of years loosen; not with despair but with a strange calm, as if the ruins themselves enfolded him in their arms. His eyes searched for the old man. In the lines of his face, he saw not merely age but an order older than age itself, the weight of years uncounted. He thought of verses half-remembered, of time without end.

“Go on, father. Watch for a moment and wait. Your time is not gone; it has been given back,” the old man said with a smile. “And know that what ends is not lost.”

And in his voice the priest felt neither judgment nor mercy, but something vaster that held both a quiet that was not emptiness but fullness.

The priest sat on the stone, knees pressed to dust, and for a moment, when he closed his eyes, he was an altar boy again, heart quick, hands folded, listening for something that could not be spoken.

The zanates dipped and wheeled through the open rafters, their wings scattering light, and when the priest opened his eyes, he knew the church was not ruined but completed, its end no less sacred than its beginning.

The old man placed a hand on the priest’s shoulder light as a moth’s wing. “Remember, Father,” he said, “what ends is not lost.”

He nodded once, a gesture of farewell, and walked out through the nave, his cane echoing in the empty church. The priest listened to the sound until it faded into silence, and then there was only the wind and the birds, and the lingering scent of earth and candle wax.

Ståendefigur

In life, there are moments that, for one reason or another, etch themselves into our memories with vivid details; these moments stand in stark contrast to the mundane and routine aspects of life. These moments usually carry significance to the persons who we have become today and if you stop to think for a second, some of them will easily resurface; a wedding, college graduation, your first kiss, and so on. Sometimes, in between this meticulously curated list created by our minds, there often lie odd instances, seemingly out of place, that cannot really fit directly into any of the symbolic categories of events. Nevertheless, we seem to remember these oddities with vivid details, usually at similarly off moments of our days. They are like those filler episodes of your favorite series that you don’t particularly like, or they don’t give any particularly any value to the story, but they leave an impression that keeps you wondering : Like that fly episode of Breaking Bad.

And so, this peculiar day comes back to me at the most unexpected times and momentarily fills me with uneasiness, flooding my mind with questions and then goes aways as swiftly as it arrived like a random leg cramp that painfully trembles all the way to your head with discomfort before vanishing as you shift position.

It was my fourth day in Stockholm after I moved away from my home country to pursue my post graduate degree. I have just picked up the keys to my new accommodation from the student housing department after I crashed a friend’s place for the first few days. Excited to start my new chapter in life in Sweden , I grabbed my 40-kilo life packed into two bags and took the metro. My new place was located close to the medborgarplatsen station in this building called Skrapan, a 1960’s tower that once housed the tax office then turned into student housing. The neighborhood was known for the many pubs, restaurants, and cafes where all the city hipsters use to hang out, which was quite cooler than the student enclaves outside the center where the international students usually were assigned to.

So, I enter my room which was located on the 4th floor, of a reasonable size for a bachelor. Mostly unfurnished with a small bed, a small kitchen, an unreasonable big toilet and nice balconet overlooking Götgatan, the street in which everything was happening on the neighborhood.

I planned to have some drinks with an old friend, and he told me that he will be on the neighborhood in 2 hours or so and since I didn’t have much to do and didn’t feel like unpacking, I wanted to sit somewhere outside to kill some time. From my window I spotted a small square adorned with some flowers and a little sculpture on its center, and I thought I could sit there and watch the people pass by and maybe take a walk if the mood hit me.

I went outside and sat on this concrete semicircle around the square looking at the people on the street, watching them going on with their lives – the weather, neither warm nor cold, marked the end of the summer giving way to the fall with its greyish sky, contrasting to the extremely warm August days back home. I haven’t really come to realize the big change in my life that was happening until I looked around and realize how different things really were from home, triggering a cascade of emotions that overwhelmed me for a moment. But still my moods were up and I found myself smiling there like an idiot for quite a while. I felt I sat there forever, yet just a few minutes have slipped by, my sense of time wasn’t fully adjusted yet with the jetlag, like a loading screen on a videogame caught in a loop with some animations as the new level or cut scene loads.

As I set there, lost in my thoughts, a middle-aged women entered the small square pulling a purple shopping cart bag with a small white dog, maybe a crossed French poodle. She walked up the small statue and she started mumbling some words that I couldn’t really comprehend; my Swedish was nonexistent at that point in time. She didn’t look particularly odd, her clothes were quite clean, color matched, and her hair was carefully groomed. She continued mumbling next to the small statue, which was a small cubist man-silhouette; like if she was worshipping an unknown urban deity. There were other people on the small square, but none seem to notice the small ritual of the woman; everybody kept into their own business.

I tried not cross glances with her and interrupt her with her little ritual, but I was quite curious trying to understand her mumbling words until she eventually noticed my presence. She ceased her mumbling as our eyes crossed paths , offering a smile that carried neither warmth nor coldness. She then turned facing me completely and approach with a few steps, which I have to say it made me anxious a little, maybe even embarrassed for interrupting a moment that felt quite personal. A part of me felt like just standing up and escaping the encounter, but the itch of curiosity kept me from moving.

As the woman moved toward me, she mumbled a phrase I didn’t understand and I replied – Sorry, I don’t speak Swedish- The woman stop for a second and it seems that she went into her memory to recall the translation – Death is just a door that we are afraid to open, but it always unlocked-.

Her words made my skin bristle as I felt a mix of fear and confusion, which made it clear that she was probably on the crazy side, so I was ready to stand up and scape a second after and as I was about to move , the woman turned around and went back to the statue to continue into her mumbling completely ignoring the reaction she left on my face, which made everything even more disturbing. I contained my haste to flee and kept my cool for a secondl, but before I could have a moment to think on the whole situation, the woman collapsed into the square ground making a big sound as her head hit the cobblestone and blood slowly started running through the gaps.

Stunned, it took me a moment to process the scene before me. As I sit there, a girl sitting on the other side of the square rushed to help her, which eventually I did as well. A strong smell of whiskey mixed with perfume overwhelmed us as we tried hold her head. Someone called the ambulance and eventually some waitress from a nearby restaurant came to help with some towels to stanch the bleeding. The woman kept mumbling nonstop , but it seems nobody really was listening to her words. Her dog stare at the whole thing silent and motionless; I completely forgot about it until we made room for the paramedics when they arrived.

 I clearly remember the change of expression of one of the paramedics as they were pulling her into the ambulance while she kept mumbling to them. It was a big expression of confusion and a mix of fear. As they pulled her into the ambulance the paramedic told me if I could wait with the dog for a while until the police could come and pick it up, which I agreed since I still had to kill some time and quite frankly, I was still shocked of the whole thing.

The crowd dispersed and the ambulance vanished into the distance, and I found myself standing in the square with the small white dog by my side in front of the small pool of blood. Before the girl that help her with me left as well, I approached her and asked what the woman was mumbling to which she said – It was something about a gate being open and trying to walk through it, but it didn’t make sense at all. – and she walked away. As the police arrived to collect the dog, I was left bewildered by the whole thing, after that I just went on with my day trying to leave all behinf.

That day faded and life carried me forward as my went on with my studies and adjusting to my new life in Sweden.  Months later, as the summer was started to kick in, I found myself having drinks with some friends at a bar . A good-looking brunette at the bar caught my attention, so I decided to make a move.  As I approached her, her eyes stuck me with recognition – she was the paramedic of back then!  My memories of that day came back as fast as when the water runs when you turn the tap and a feeling of uneasiness ran through my spine, but I remembered quite well about her expression after the woman spoke to her, so I was still curious about what she said to her that day.

I offered to ger her a drink and asked her if the remembered that day, and her smile changed to an expression of confusion, so I knew she did. We had a small chat and she told me that the woman died later at the hospital after a heart attack, but the doctors weren’t sure if it was related to that fall she had on the square, which made everything odder. I asked her if she could recall what the woman said when they were pulling her away – I remembered it very clearly.  She said that she had opened the gate for a while and today she was going to walk through it because she was too curious – A grimly sensation passed through me as I listened to her words leaving a bunch of questions to what really happened that day. We changed our conversation into other things, leaving that unsettling day behind.

I still can’t find any answer or explanation to what went about, often wondering if it was all a just a creepy coincidence or something beyond our natural understanding of things, but I try not to think a about it, but now and then the woman’s words hunt me; making me question my sense of logic and ponder if life holds mysteries beyond our understanding.  

Stående figur by  Rune Rydelius.

Write something and then not

Stuttgart , November 2013

We weren’t the best coders neither the best at managing a website, but for a time everybody was able to enter write something and collaborate in our endless-senseless writing. It was an annoying twitter for letting go our creativity and improve our writing skills. Somehow, it became a place to relieve secrets, tell amazing short stories, and let our feelings pour out.

One day the serves we had went down and most of the data was lost and many amazing short fragments coming from the hearts of random strangers with them. Bringing back the data was expensive and the book we planned wasn’t very successful. Eventually, we gave up and the server flashes a forbidden error.

I still refresh it sometimes, hoping that it will work out even though I was the owner of the server and I imagine some people still refresh it up to today and that we all connected with a single click and the little disappointing that it produces.

The unseen truth

Monterrey, March 2010

Through life, people tend to focus on what’s near them. They move forward without noticing the crude reality that surrounds them, as if they were horses with blinders following whatever direction the carriage pulls them toward. I was no different. My life drifted without major worries or real problems, deaf to the noise that filled the news and social media. My concerns were trivial; chasing girls at the club, getting drunk at some frat party. I thought that was life; simple, harmless, endless. But reality creeps closer without sound; it waits until it’s too obvious to ignore. Deep down, though, you always know it’s there.

It was late, and the afterparty wasn’t good enough. My throat was dry, the booze was running out, and the pretty brunette I’d spent the whole night talking to wouldn’t give me more than a kiss. Disappointing, but fair. The yuppie friend hosting the afterparty bored me, and it was time to call it a night. My car was parked a few blocks away, and to my drunk self, the idea of walking didn’t seem so bad.

The sky was still dark as I left the apartment complex. The main street was silent, except for a few distant dog barks and the faint rustle of leaves touched by the dawn’s first breeze. I walked without thinking, without caring. My consciousness drifted, blurred by alcohol and fatigue, and for a brief moment, that numbness silenced the questions that usually haunted me who I was, what I was doing questions that never had clear answers anyway.

A block later, I saw it: a black Jeep with tinted windows parked in front of an old abandoned building. Two men stood by it, smoking. Something about them felt wrong. I looked away and kept walking; a fool pretending not to notice.

One of them turned.

“Hey, man, come here and help us with something!” he shouted.

He wore an oversized white shirt, baggy black pants, Jordans, and a Yankees cap straight out of a cliché, but clichés exist for a reason.

“Sorry, man, I’m in a hurry,” I replied, quickening my pace.

He started walking toward me, saying something else, but I didn’t wait to listen I ran.

Two blocks ahead, I saw a police checkpoint. Salvation, or so I thought. I ran harder, my mind sobering with the rush of adrenaline. For an instant, I believed it was over. Then the Jeep roared beside me, tires screeching, cutting me off. The same guy stepped out, shouting:

“I told you to come here, motherfucker!”

He didn’t show a gun or a knife, but I didn’t need to see one to know what came next. I turned and ran again.

All the violence I had heard about the kidnappings, the killings, the disappearances suddenly took shape. It was no longer a story told by someone else. It was here, breathing down my neck. I waved frantically at the road, begging for someone to stop. A taxi did. I jumped in and told the driver to head toward the university; campus security was nearby. For a moment, I thought I’d made it.

Then the Jeep pulled alongside us. Through the window, one of the men yelled at the driver:

“Stop if you don’t want trouble! We just want that bastard!”

Without hesitation, the driver stopped. He didn’t look at me and just unlocked the doors.

“Please, man,” I begged. “The police station’s close. Just drive.”

He met my eyes in the rearview mirror. There was sorrow there, but also fear.

“Sorry, mate. I can’t risk any trouble.”

The men stepped out of the Jeep, moving toward us. My heart pounded, and I knew if they got me, it wouldn’t end well. Fear sharpened my will. I threw the door open, slamming it against one of them, and ran. Ahead, I saw the guard post of an apartment building. A man stood outside, smoking.

“Let me in! Call the police! it’s an emergency!” I screamed.

He hesitated but opened the gate. I rushed inside, slamming it shut as the men yelled, trying to convince him I was a thief. But the guard wasn’t stupid. He looked at me once and knew enough.

He called the police. The men left after a while.

Later, I learned the Jeep was found days after—riddled with bullet holes, floating near the river. Apparently, a bigger fish had swallowed them whole.

For weeks, I couldn’t walk alone without watching my back. The world felt thinner, more fragile. That night stripped away the illusion that life was normal, that danger was something distant, belonging to headlines and strangers. I understood then that ignorance isn’t peace; it’s blindness.

Things could have been worse. They weren’t. I ran with luck… luck that many others in Monterrey didn’t have in those years the years of the war on drugs.

The meeting room’s window

Stockholm, September 2018

I’m sitting in a meeting room, wearing a dark blue suit with a white shirt without a tie. Actions plans are discussed, a budget plan is proposed and a connection with our international partners is made. My colleagues speak and even though I am listening, my view is lost in one of the big windows. We are sitting in one of the tallest buildings of the city (which if you compre it to any industrial city is not that tall) in one of the upper floors and due to the flatness of the skyline and the lack of ugly glass skyscrapers I am able to see how the city spreads with its black metal roofs through the islands that and beyond them the archipiélago  seems not to end in the distance.

A plan is made, a critical path is analysed, someone is worried about the deadlines, the schedule is changed, their voices fade as my sight is lost between the boats sailing, the blue trains going back and forth in between the islands, and the people that look like little dots. I’m sitting here, but I am not really here. I have pursued to be here, but a side of thought of be somewhere.

I comment, collaborate, propose and discuss, yet I am a preconceived version of myself. The water reflects the white clouds and the birds fly down and up the water hunting for distracted fishes, while a part of my consciusness flies with them, away from what I call my life, away from who I am supposed to be.

Hands are shaken, roles are proposed, and everybody leaves the meeting room. As I walk through the corridor I look once again into the distance behind the glass window. I’m here but I am also there, because that is how I have always been, nowhere.

Behind the words

“Behind this sad spectacle of words, unspeakably trembles the hope that you read me, that I didn’t die completely from your memory” – Julio Cortázar

Train ride to nowhere

I’m sitting in the restaurant car of a train. The window reflects a landscape I can’t name. It could be the mountains of the Sierra Madre, but the signs inside the carriage are written in Cyrillic, and the air is too cold for summer. I’m wearing a slim black suit, sipping a gin and tonic that tastes better than it should. My head feels ready to burst, my heart beating too fast, as if I’d just snorted two clean lines of Peruvian snow. The train is empty. Time isn’t moving; only the train is. I don’t know where it’s going, but it feels like I’ve been here before.

You’re sitting across from me in a blue dress, your hair falling over your shoulders. You stare without expression. I can almost see your sadness floating behind your eyes. I reach for your hand, but you slip away and laugh instead, lifting a glass of red wine that wasn’t there a moment ago. The train begins to move faster. The cold turns into heat, unbearable and slow, and yet you seem untouched. The world outside shifts into an endless desert, pale and trembling under the sun.

From somewhere, “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by Iggy Pop starts playing through the speakers. You laugh again and take my hand, this time with a grip that burns. I want to kiss you, but I can’t move. My body feels like glass. You’re still laughing when confetti begins to fall from nowhere, spinning in the air like dying snowflakes. The train races forward, and the desert outside catches fire.

“It’s the last time,” you say, almost whispering. “But not like the other last times. This is truly the last.”

“I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to happen,” I tell you. “Or if I can promise it ever was.” Tears gather in my eyes, but I can’t cry. I just smile, as if smiling could make it easier.

You tilt your head and sigh. “There isn’t much to say. Things become what they were always meant to be. You should go wherever this ride takes you…with or without me.”

You rise and come closer, kiss me like you did the first time: quick, sudden, full of light. Then the confetti burns into ash. The air smells like iron and smoke.

“There are no goodbyes,” you say as you walk toward the next car, already swallowed by fire. “Only jumps into different futures that sometimes meet again.”

You step into the flames. They don’t consume you. They just absorb your shape until you disappear completely.

Now I’m alone. The train rushes into a tunnel. Fire covers everything, but it’s cold, like snow that burns without smoke. My heart hurts, but I can’t move. Darkness fills the windows. I know I can’t follow you.

I start crying because I remember—I’ve been here before. I always reach the station alone. The train breaks through the tunnel and stops. The flames vanish. I find myself in an unnamed Eastern European city, the kind that doesn’t exist on any map. I wait for the next train to arrive, though I already know it never really does.

Then I wake up. The ceiling above me is white. The bed beside me is warm, but it isn’t you. I wonder if you wake beside someone else, and if, in the quiet moment before morning, you ever think of me…or if I’ve faded, like the confetti, into the air.

I make coffee and move through the day. The world lands slowly through my window , as if it’s still shaking from the rails. By evening, the memory begins to dissolve, until it returns again, uninvited, on another nameless night when I’ll find myself back on that same train.

Maybe you’ll be there or maybe not.

Just words.

It bothers us that we don’t look in our pictures as we see ourselves in the mirror.

Just like the impression others have from us isn’t like the one we want others to have.

We hide our weaknesses through our strengths, we show little of ourselves.

Story: Something in this night. Part 1

It was dark as I looked from my window. The people kept moving and the cars were noisy. I scrolled through my social media: dinners, afterworks, friends, family, cats, political statements, and publicity. My phone kept ringing, my group chats flooded with notifications. I sat in front of my computer, frozen, silent, wondering about the night to come,   wondering about what is gonna happen. I grew anxious, as any other weekend night.

It has been been two weeks since I had sex, its  been thirteen weeks since I left home, its been 730 days since the last time I felt in love. It was 3 hours before midnight, my lips were dry, and my head feel like it was about to explode. I left, in a haste. I walked outside, it was cold. What I am going to do?  What I am expecting? I asked myself. I walked down Götgatan, crossing the junkies getting drunk.  I passed two hipster girls who looked at me and smile. My cheeks were freezing, my mind was lost, and my anxiety started to settle down as I walked down to the subway station.

What is going to be? Is it going to be another night? Is it going to be nothing? Like every other night, like every fucking time? I rushed into the trains as the doors were about to close. I saw myself at the reflection in the window as the train went into the darkness of the tunnel. What is this night unless I do something?

I turned around, my phone rang again: My friends wanted to meet and I had to pretend that I am having a great time; like any other fucking night. I fixed my hair in the windows reflection just before the train stopped. Or maybe something will happen?  Is it gonna be different to any other place or any other time? I resisted my thoughts and walked outside, fast. It started snowing as I walked through the street, my lips were dry.

I arrived to the place. I met my friends. The music was loud and I grew thirsty. I trembled, a cold sensation ran through my back, and my hands felt warm.

As I walked through the crowd, my senses felt sharper. Could maybe something happen or is it going to be just boring? I walked outside and lighted a cigarette.

The dark cloudy sky cleared out as I stood in the smoking area.

Is it full moon tonight? – A brunette with blue eyes asked me while approaching me.

It is gonna be something, I guess – I answered as I smiled and the moon shined through my contact lenses.

What do you mean? – asked the brunette confused as I stood facing here.

That it is not going to be like any other night – I answered. – Do you want to have a drink? It is on me – I said, as I started to walk inside.

Mmm.. sure, why not? – She told me as she walked next to me back inside.


In other news:  A middle-aged woman was found dead near the bridge in the middle of djurgarden. The police stated the probable cause of death may be of blood loss due to injuries suffered by an attack of a wild animal, most likely a wolf. The process of identifying the victim is underway as the injuries made harder for recognition, a forensic dental examination may be needed; stated the police department in their twitter account . Animal Control authorities have been notified and the visitors of the park have been warned of wild animals during the nigh inside the park premises.